Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Running on Empty

There is perhaps nothing so bad and so dangerous in life as fear.~ Jawaharlal Nehru

I am not ashamed to say that I'm afraid. I'm scared to death. I slept beside my son, last night, because he was too afraid to close his eyes. He believed that if he allowed himself to fall asleep, that he would never wake up. This is how we ended a day full of anxiety, dizziness, headaches and injuries. The doctor provided us with no answers. He said that these symptoms were not characteristic of Focalin XR withdraw. We got paperwork to draw blood and test for allergies. We got a referral to a psychologist. We left the office, no more at peace than we arrived.

What is going on with my son? Is this connected to being off of the medication? I cannot find any answers to my questions. Has anyone else experienced these kinds of symptoms when discontinuing Focalin XR? Is this a whole new set of problems that coincidentally arrived as we decided to take our son off of the Focalin? I am going to take Daniel into urgent care, today, if the dizziness and headaches persist. My mommy instincts tell me that something is not right. I truly believe that God gives us moms instincts for a reason.

I told my husband, this morning, that I need more support in this. Although I know he agrees with doing things naturally and finding answers, I feel like I'm the only one doing the work. I am at home, with seven kids. I'm the one digging for possible answers, making Dr. appointments, trying to calm him during anxiety attacks, making sure he eats right, conducting the tests, talking to people, reading the books. It is all on me. I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I feel like crying all the time. My husband told me that I overprotect and baby Daniel. Maybe that is true, but I cannot help doing so. I feel that I need to counteract my husband. He is so hard on Daniel and often acts like he forgets that Daniel has a disorder. It is my job, as a mom, to over protect, right?

I don't know. I feel so lost, at this point. My mind is swimming with thoughts. I am running on empty, in the energy area. My hair badly needs to be washed. My house is thrashed. My cupboards are empty. I know how horrid that sounds to admit those things, but I feel the need to be honest. This struggle is not easy on any one. Our home school summer program has gone to the wayside, these last few days. All I can do is try to focus on finding answers to help Daniel. I've got to get up the energy to get my act together and go shopping for food, take a shower, clean the house, etc... God, please be my source of energy today. I can't do it on my own.

7 comments:

okamador said...

Kadi we all have days where we realize we waited a day too long to clean the floors... or a week... LOL. You are prioritizing, and that means making sure Daniel is ok. I don't think it reflects negatively on you at all that you are focused on finding answers for your son. Today is a new day girl and you can get it all done. I hope the allergy tests give you some answers! I have no knowledge of Focalin but it does sound like he is having withdrawals to something. As for your hubby being hard on him I have the same issue, I think its normal, but it is SO frustrating!!

Bridget said...

Kadi, your amazing! If it makes you feel a little better my house is a mess and we have no food and I don't even have what you have on your plate! I don't know how you even handle your "normal" days with just raising 7 let alone taking care of Daniel. We went to Faith's sleep apnea appointment yesterday and alot of the questions they asked were if she is hyper or acts angry during the day. They even mentioned anxiety attacks...now I know noting about ADHD but maybe his sleeping has something to do with it?????? Faith's problem is her breathing. We stay the night in the hospital tonight to be observed. I'm praying for extra energy and strength for you today!!!! <3

sandy said...

Could it be not so much a side affect of taking him off the meds, but moreso that the meds also helped him with an anxiety disorder that maybe he has that was never discovered due to the ADHD meds? Does Focalin help with anxiety?

Kadi said...

Yes. That is a possiblity. We are going to explore all possiblities when we visit the psychologist. He has always been very dramatic in the sense that he worries almost obsessively and is a generally fearful person. Anxiety runs in the family, so I would not be surprised.

Kaylynn's Mommy said...

Kadi, medical doctors are not the best investigators when finding the root cause to a medical condition because they resort to quick fixes like medicine. Internal medicine doctors are better at investigating what causes disorders. They do more testing. Allergists are also good doctors. However, I recommend a natural doctor that uses alternative methods. I bet there are several homopath/naturopath doctors in California.

hrw102779 said...

Oh Kadi I wished you guys lived down here (down the hill.) My little man saw an AWESOME psychologist. She was pro natural and finding the root of the cause, rather than using medicine to "fix" the child. Hunter ADORED her and looked forward to seeing her every week. It was the highlight of his day. She went over and beyond in my book. Every week I had more information in my hand that she was able to find, and I often I had different hand outs for my husband to look over, as well as small "homework" assignments for each of us. She spent some time talking to me about Hunter's week, and then spent 45 minutes or more with Hunter playing games, and doing little "projects," to help him stay focused....I adored her as well. With gas prices being so high and you guys up the hill I'm sure she wouldn't be much help. Who ever you go with make sure you and Daniel Jr. both like her, it makes a BIG difference. If either of you don't keep looking...trust me on this!

Hettie Brewner said...

How are you doing? It sounds like you got some good info from your friend. Do not be ashamed to admit little things like a dirty house or empty cupboards! It is not like you are sitting around doing nothing all day. Remember, God will only give us what we can handle, even if it feels like it is too much, you will persevere. Smile!

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